Forgotten

It’s so hard to see you not love me anymore. It all happened so fast… one day you wanted to be with me, and the next you shut me out of every aspect of your life so you can focus your attention on her. It just hurts me so badly to see this happening, even though you try to prevent me from seeing it. I hope you had a nice day trip in Brussels… with her…

Fuck, I’m so depressed and all I can do every night is cry and think about you thinking of someone else and how easily I can be forgotten. I really thought we had something worth fighting for, but I guess I am just replaceable. I guess I am as good as any other girl, or even less. I am nothing special at all. I don’t even understand why I was born when I am obviously nothing to anyone. I am not doing any good in this world and everybody hates me. You do too. I thought you were there to support me, but now I have nobody. I remember you saying you would do whatever it takes no matter what, but I see that it took no time at all for you to stop caring about me. In a perfect world you would have tried to get me back, but in reality you try to get as far away from me as possible. And you are happy. You and Terrylyn. And I am not.

 

I don’t know if it’s worth sticking around to see if my life gets any better. I have nothing now. When I was with you I had a reason to be happy. Now I want to die and it’s all I think about every second of my life. I hope she makes you happy, because obviously I couldn’t. It does make me think that you liked her while we were dating, though. You and her went just too quickly to make me think otherwise. Besides, you like “small” and “cute” girls, someone I will never be.

 

It’s ok. I get it. It’s much easier to have a girlfriend that you can see everyday. And someone who is closer to what you look for in a girl. I don’t have those qualities. Yes, you are probably telling people that you have a “psycho” ex girlfriend. But you know what? Me caring enough after this breakup doesn’t mean I’m crazy. It means I’m crazy about you. Love is a struggle; it doesn’t always work out and sometimes you have to fight for the person you love. I just wished that you would have found me to be worth the battle.

Miserable at best

I guess that I can live without you, but without you I’ll be miserable at best…

Last Kiss

I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep,

and I’ll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-FzfPLvKjc

The words you d…

The words you don’t say are what hurt the most. The words you don’t say get the message across best.

 

You know that feeling when you meet someone and all you can do is think about them? They are funny. They are interesting. They intrigue you. You could talk to them all day. Slowly you get to know them and realize that this person has flaws. Their character has quirks, and not the good kind. As time passes these faults cause you to love this person less, not more. Sure, they are human, but this is what disappoints you.

 

Others catch your eye. You are tempted to find out more about that funny, interesting, intriguing girl from across the street that you could talk to all day. She doesn’t have flaws until  get to know her and can point them out. Then it’s on to the next one.

 

It took me by surprise to see how easily I could be cut out of your life. When things got serious, I thought to myself “I wonder if he has ever felt this way before”. Of course you have. With me and with 25 other girls. I don’t know who I was trying to kid. I looked through the old Facebook messages and noted the stark contrast between the messages when it first began and the messages during the relationship and near the end. The first messages seemed a hundred times more in love. You can’t stop thinking about me. Butterflies in your stomach. Staring at my photo before bed. Emailing several times a day to tell me that you were thinking of me.

Well, what happened? Did you change, or did I? Or did you begin to realize that the smiling face behind the webcam wasn’t so smiley after all? I’m fairly good at faking a smile and a laugh for people that don’t know me very well. When you began to realize that I am not the happy, “perfect” girl that you wanted, you began to look elsewhere.

I don’t know what I even want. No matter how hard I try to make myself look pretty, spending hours in the bathroom on my makeup and hair, you will always have your eye on someone else.I knew you would take the opportunity to flirt with your coworkers the second you got the chance, and I was right. I’m having an impossible time trying to cope with this breakup, and meanwhile the gravitation of what has happened does not affect you in any way. When we broke up somewhere in my heart I was hoping that a little part of you would want to fight for me… do anything in your power to fight for this relationship to work. It hurts me so much that I gave everything of me to you and it meant nothing at all to you. I want to erase the last two and a half years from my life and try it again with someone that would have treated me right. Someone that could understand the importance of being faithful and how wrong it is to destroy and take advantage of a girl who is nine years younger than you and who you know loves you. How wrong it is to trick them into believing that what you feel for them is special and different from any other girl.

I have loved you more than any of your previous girlfriends have, and I can say that with 100% certainty. You told me you have been cheated on by a previous girlfriend and you told me how it made you feel like you weren’t good enough but you did the same thing to someone who loved you. By doing that you said “you’re not good enough” to me as well as “you’re not important enough to me to deserve to know the truth”. I wished I could have been that girl that you couldn’t live without, but your life is happy and great without me. I thought you said you would wear your ring and necklace as long as you loved me and as long as you wanted to be with me. It’s nice to know that a relationship of more than 2 years can be forgotten in a couple of weeks. I shouldn’t be surprised, though. You couldn’t remember anything about our relationship even while we were dating.

 

Now all I wish for is to forget the last 2.5 years of my life ever happened. I want to be able to love somebody without being as screwed up as you made me. It would be nice to be able to “re-do” my first love with another person.

Every. Single. Day.

I think anyone who has planned their suicide as much as I have is sick and tired of the facade necessary to appear to function properly in society. I made this blog for that very reason. Maybe I won’t post so often. Maybe I will soon quit. I’d be lucky if that could be the case. It would mean one of two things – that I became happy with my life, or that I have decided to take the easy way out. The former seems unlikely.

I have it down to a T. Hydromorphone, aspirin, cough syrup… I have enough in my cupboard for what I like to call a capsule cocktail. Washed down with the nearly full bottle of vodka in the fridge, of course. I will take it after school in my bedroom. I won’t lock my door – my mom will open up the door to wake me for school the next morning (though she never checks on me); locking it would be suspicious. I will sleep through the day and night while my organs quickly begin to fail. Temporary regret for my liver, but I know it’s worth it. No one will bother to check on me or ask  how I am doing. They never do. After I finally die, the rotting stench of my cadaver is going to be the only tip-off to my suicide.

The only thing I feel bad about is dying in my own room. I don’t want to “taint” the house or make my family uncomfortable because I died here. Dying in a forest would be a better idea. Or curled up inside of a snowbank, if only we had snow. Hypothermia would be an ideal way to die.

I always thought that there was just a sliver of light preventing me from harming myself. For a long time, I thought I was lucky I had the support of someone. However, that support was only temporary and artificial, and is driving me closer to suicide each day with the ways he had wronged me. I wish I had someone to lean against. I can’t burden those who I don’t know too well with my life problems; therefore, I can’t burden anyone. I don’t have anyone close to me. Not family, not friends. I spend my days alone at home. I can’t remember the last time I went out to do something leisurely with others. I tried to connect with people through an online dating website, but I realized that I was just trying to fill the abyss in my heart with fleeting distractions. I closed my account before actually meeting up with anyone. I don’t believe I ever wanted it to turn into something real, I just wanted the attention from men that I was deprived of from my ex in my last relationship. His apathy is only hurting me more every day.

It’s time to break out the razor and break into some skin again.

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